Wow! I am so thankful you all joined in the fun this week! What a ride! And I'm super thankful for our judge who stayed up late to read them all and get her decisions to me before the holiday craziness began. We had two latecomers this round, but the judge was gracious enough to comment on those as well. Thank you for sharing. Have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving Day with your families and loved ones (or if you're not in the USA, have a great day anyway!). Go read any stories you missed here. Now let's read what the judge had to say:
I was so excited to see where this particular first line
would take you, and you did not disappoint! Obviously, I geared it toward the
idea of a high school setting, which some of you embraced, and some pulled me worlds
outside of my parameters, and I respectfully incline my head in awe. Each of
your stories was a delight to read, and I truly enjoyed them. Thanks so much
for making my job of picking a winner so hard! You all win! High fives all
around! (Looks over shoulder at Alissa). Never mind. I suppose I'll have to
come up with a top two. Here we go:
Drmagoo
Oh, such a story of remorse, or lack thereof. I can feel the
spiraling despair in this one, the lack of emotion, because to feel is
pain.
It wasn't specifically stated, but I wondered if the man in
the bar next to Kayleigh was her conscience. Casual mentions of his
immortality, how he has been there with her from the start, his disapproval
from the beginning, his affinity for bourbon that helps to drown out his
dissatisfaction.
I loved the dark tone of this, the mystery. It didn't matter
so much who the people she killed were, David, Alex, as the fact that she did
the killings, and we get wrapped up in the hopelessness of it all. As the last
line says, “What else was there?”
The conscience, as I'll label him, gets shoved to the back
burner, and Kayleigh welcomes the darkness with all the hopelessness of
despair.
Mark Driskill
What a story of grace! Or G.R.A.C.E., as the case may be. I
enjoyed the journey in this story from one end to the other. The concept of her
spiky hair that kept everyone out was brilliant; and Mr. Spitzel broke through
that wall. I love how the narrative throws the reader off-balance with the
expectation that Miss Rangin (pardon me, Miss Isabelle Rangin) would be angry
at his intrusive desk-carving, but instead, her eyes fill with tears at the
love so obviously just for her (I'm a romantic at heart; how could I not love
this?).
Those final few sentences are rife with gorgeous imagery:
“Her eyes softened and filled like cups of warm joy.” Also, “Miss Isabelle
Rangin literally danced in the school cafeteria on top of tables and on top of
the world.” What a beautiful picture!
Zevonesque
Chills! What a well-put-together story! A modern-day take of
Snow White and the wicked queen who looks with all shades of jealousy into the
mirror and asks, Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of us all?
Lindsay, Kayleigh, Lindsay is the fairest of us all, and don't you forget it.
I love the character building of both Kayleigh and Lindsay—so
much in so few words. When I reached the end, I felt like I had just finished a
novel. I particularly loved Kayleigh's dilemma—how to get a reaction out of
Lindsay, because Lindsay was neutral. She was Switzerland. Great description,
and fitting title to go with it.
This piece grabbed my emotions. I couldn't believe how angry
I was at a fictional character when the last line pulls out all the stops on
Kayleigh's character. Wicked girl! May the odds be never in your favor!!
Pmcoltrane
Boom! From the first line to the last line, I was hooked,
and that's saying a lot because normally I don't get hooked on science fiction
(just ask my husband, who begged me without success to love Ender's Game).
And it helped that the first line and the last line were the
same, and they were the same in a completely non-gratuitous manner. It fit like
a puzzle piece! So when I read the last line, I thought, there is no other line
that could go there.
I was floored by the worlds/colonies/universes that were
brought into this story; so much depth covered in only 500 words (or 498 as the
case may be). I loved how well the special challenge wove seamlessly into the
text, like another puzzle piece. This whole thing just flowed really well.
Postupak
It's like I just fell asleep and woke up in the best
world ever!! I enjoyed the appearance of myriads of my favorite mythical
creatures (or are they mythical??), and contorted into fits of giggles
over the lines: “'You can only die once,' said someone cheerfully. 'Not me!'” said
the phoenix.
I love the mystery of the chalk line. What's on the other
side, why Kayleigh can't come back, what magic holds her there, and what is
“the other side” doing to her? The narrative introduced a lot of questions that
didn't necessarily get answered, but I felt like that wasn't the main thrust of
the story.
The connection at the end is what really stuck with me—the
transformation into the same kind of creature as the narrator struck me at once
as horrible and fantastic, terrifying and surreal. That final line at the end
put a period on the end of a emotion-riddled piece. Loved it.
Michael Simko
Ooh, the ultimate double revenge story. I was reeled in
immediately, reading with horrified fascination as Amelia did the
unthinkable—took her sister's boyfriend for herself, took him with no good
purpose but for the sake of revenge. The end grew darker and darker, and then, whump,
the twist.
Wow! What a gripping voice. It pulled me in and wouldn't let
me go. I wondered what the dark deed was that “that Jezebel” did.
I love the snapshots of close-up images that wove through
the story. The flies that buzzed behind the holes in the screen, Ron's Adam's
apple bobbing beneath his too-blonde beard. Excellent setting. I could feel the
heat (temperature and other). Great job!
Necwrites
Okay, I know this one came in later than the close of the
competition, but I loved it so much, I had to stick it in here. The
tongue-in-cheek tone was at once hilarious and connective. I immediately was
there, at the prom, watching the ogre kiss the sister, who, yuck, had
snot-green eyes.
In true Beauty and the Beast style, instead of speaking in
the vocal tones of a boulder tied to a stick (that line made me laugh out
loud), his voice is tempered steel. His eyes are less snot-green and more
moss-colored. I read the unraveling of the narrator's preconceived notions in
that one line: “My sister—I miss her, too.”
Beautiful. And that's not a word usually tagged with ogre
stories. I loved this. LOVED it.
Matt L:
A brilliant tone in this one! It left me giggling after it
was all read through, and I had to go through it at least twice more to get the
full effect (and the laughs). The use of creative, exaggerated imagery kept my attention.
I particularly loved the breakdown of Kayleigh's tears: 30 parts water, 50
parts salt, and 20 parts genetic material. And then later, 40 parts Mary Kay
Foundation Number Five, 20 parts salt, 30 parts water, and 10 parts genetic
material.
And if I were any better with chem/phys, I could tell you
exactly what that means. As usual, I have no clue, but I totally enjoyed the
concept.
I loved how well the special elements were woven into the
story, particularly, the "kiss of Virgin's blush rouge." So creative!
Way to break down the parameters of the box! I love it!
Special Challenge Champion:
Zevonesque
You portrayed the high school setting for which I was
looking, and then you took it the extra mile with Kayleigh's
obsession-turned-horrible-secret. The elements were woven in seamlessly; I had
to search hard to find all of them, but they were there! Great job including
those!
Finish That Thought #2-21 Grand Champion:
Pmcoltrane
Flawlessly written, incredible world-building; I still can't
get over how much I loved the frame of the story with the repeated first and
last line. Kudos, sir, you may have just converted me into a sci-fi fan.
Almost. I might try to read Ender's Game again sometime in the next fifty
years. Unless you yourself have a book or two out? ;)
