You all rocked the pants off that special challenge! Second person can be so tricky, but you all made it work! Rock on! If you missed any of the entries, go read them here. Now let's read what the judge had to say:
I’m delighted all of you opted to do the special challenge!
Several used the second person for the narrative and others as the addressee
for a first person narrative. What I
tend to get from second person is an off-putting intimacy. The first time it
caught me was in the very disturbing "Pizza Night" by Laurie Channer.
Diving right in…
Michael Simko - This one sent me scrambling after the
relevant quotes. First or Second Timothy? I’m thinking Second for the suffering
and not being ashamed about it. The second person narrative gives it an
appropriately confessional feel.
The mystery of "she" in the first paragraph
grabbed me: Is she a lover, a child, a malfunctioning pleasure bot? I’m usually
not a fan of "punchline" tales, but this one made me walk back that
aversion. The initial horror that the drunk narrator may be about to lose all
my sympathy by engaging in something non-consensual is overturned on the last
line to riotous effect. I went right back to the beginning and read it again.
What makes the whole thing effective is that all the evidence is there from the
beginning and the misdirection never feels like "cheating".
Jamie Hershberger - The horrifying image painted at the
start made for a great grab. The creepiness of the second person narration
works really well here. The image of him throwing himself around the house made
me think of Fight Club (never a bad thing).
The story prepares us well for the resounding note of denial. This guy
is all about denial. Some of my favorite lines: "your most recent
transgression surfaces in your memory like a bloated corpse in a flooding
graveyard" (hits a great tone and carries a lot of guilt) "aware of
your pulse, telegraphing a psychotic “S.O.S” to your limbs".
Lauren Greene - Instant tragedy. What a sad little story.
Stillbirth produces such a visceral response. It’s hard to come up with a
situation more tragic than having an eagerly-awaited pregnancy end like
that—and yet it is a heart-rending reality for so many people. I found the
mention of being wrapped in a blanket and placed in the mother’s arms anyway
particularly devastating. The inclusion of the brother at the funeral (who
doesn’t quite comprehend what is happening) was touching.
Holly Geely - Painful and hilarious. Another misdirection.
Love the humor sprinkled throughout. The MC’s self-deprecating voice, his/her
honesty, made me withhold my judgment (oh, did you really fall off the wagon
for a dude??). Instead I agonized with the MC even though I had no idea what
the real source of discomfort was (the right conditions of sheer boredom can
bring on varying shades of rhinocerae). His/her crush is genuine and endearing.
The second reading is just as fun—if not more so—than the first. The evidence
is there, but it’s my own expectations/biases that do most of the misleading.
Geoff Lepard - Very poetic—the use of second person as form
of address gives this one a sense of intimacy, which by the end makes total
sense. Fine descriptive language throughout
(appropriate for a "bookish loner"). Some of my favorite bits: the
boxer imagery, setting the stage for a destructive relationship; the "prescient resistance" of the
knuckle; the grin "curdling on your lips"; the line about holding the
hand, wiping the brow exposed so much. I love how the use of first person and
addressee veils the genders of the players, revealing that a dysfunctional
relationship is an equal-opportunity dynamic. The change at the end left me
conflicted (in the right way) as she seems to enjoy the assumption of power in
the relationship just a little too much.
Stella - First person address of second person, but we don’t
get the first person until the second half—so very well crafted. The effect
lured me to align my sympathies with the "you", figuring she was the
MC, and enjoy her frankness; the flashback with the aunties sealed the deal
(that tidbit had me like the "everyone else" of the tale, giggling
and astounded by the guile). Then, the shift over to the first person, the poor
best friend, yanked the carpet out from under me (as I’m sure the narrator
suffered to a greater degree). So much here in so few words, and you make it
seem effortless.
@clivetern -
"You" as the addressee (lover, spouse) for the first person.
My favorite line: "The wash from the ship was still strong enough to pluck
your chador, fluttering it like the flags that hung from Kharoum Tower"
The detail here places us in a specific setting while moving the plot along:
Sudan in the future, and our MC is in trouble with the law. My curiosity was
further tugged as I hadn’t heard of female muezzins (a detail that made me
think this was a more tolerant future). This tale feels like a fragment from a
longer piece as there is a lot moving under the surface here, the mystery from
the very beginning as to what exactly is "different", what they’re
doing in a hangar, why the MC is slated for death, the missing arms suggesting
she’d run afoul of the law before, the list of names (the number 64 made me
think she was a Daoist—64 guardians of the parts of the body, some of which
would "dwindle" if she lost her arms—and they might be executed for
heresy). The repetition of the initial line, with its dire turn, closes this
one off nicely. This certainly left me hungry for more.
Erin Blake - Another fun misdirection. That very first line
has a hint of the reality: "Embers continued to eat at the walls…"
and does the "from scratch" at the end of the paragraph, but I bought
the misdirection completely. That is some clever word-craft, there. I loved
discovering on second reading that the parental feelings dovetail perfectly
with the feelings of someone trying to be a "good leader" (oh, yes,
that’s it exactly). Yes, the delegating, the accepting responsibility, the
having to rearrange to make up for mistakes—the superimposition gives this a
lot of punch, especially the struggle to stay optimistic despite
"casualties". Meanwhile, the
descriptive language makes this one breathe.
Rose Ketring - First person narrative addressing a parental
"you". The MC sounds like it could be an imaginative kid with some
delightfully freakish sheep nightmares, a kid who has entered a new stage of
mental development that s/he can perceive him/herself as being an active
participant in this thing called sleep and whose imagination takes seemingly
innocuous suggestions to horrifying lengths? But then the unfamiliarity with
sleep makes it just as likely that this is an alien entity with an instructive
"you"). And yet the final line turns the table—whether parent or instructor,
the addressee becomes the monster.
Special Challenge Champion: Stella Kate’s short and sweet
"Home Truths" for the clever use of addressee who turns out to be the
impact character rather than the main character.
Grand Champion: Holly Geely’s "Have Another" for
an MC that tugged on my sympathies even when I suspected s/he deserved his/her
agony.
Whew! Now, I'm off to make dinner. Thanks again for the
venue and the opportunity to judge.
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